How the Apocalypse Changed the Rest of My Life

Well before the pandemic, my entrepreneurial tendencies attracted me to hustle/grind culture. I was thirsty for any info I could wrap my mind around that would help me be more productive, more successful, more committed, more focused, better, etc, more, bla, bla. I was going, going, going. Going to work, to work out, to practice, to study, to create. Going to sleep when I died. I just needed to grind more to get more followers, likes and fans. I just needed to learn about marketing and copywriting with authenticity to get there. I just needed to learn how to keep up with various social media's algorithms to get there. I just needed to play free and/or shitty shows until my ears bled for exposure to get there. I just needed to network my brains out and connect with other musicians and bloggers and artists to get there. All of this while working 35 hours a week and having other hobbies/”a life”.

Are you tired yet?? I want to scream and then take a nap just writing all that and that’s only the tip of the (melting) ice burg.

When the apocalypse hit, my hours got cut in half and I was receiving a lovely hunk of money every week through unemployment. I was getting my dream hours with poor Carrie's dream pay. Bonus: I had so much extra time and I was going to get shit done!!

My body had a totally different idea about what to do with all this extra time. It forced me to rest. A lot. More than I had in decades. My gift from the pandemic was rest. And lots of it.

Instead of diving deeper into marketing, copywriting, practicing and songwriting, I was sleeping a lot, going for 2 hour walks, meditating, watching garbage television and making macrame plant hangers for all my plant babies. (fun fact: My houseplant landscape became fucking epic that first year!)

When the world stopped, I had full permission to stop with it. FOMO was gone and I got off that fucking hamster wheel of trying to catch up to everyone else.

Also, what the fuck even is that??!? We’ve been holding ourselves to this easily accessible and annoyingly in-your-face standard that has an extremely limited perspective on life and people as complex individuals. Since when did my personal timeline have to match up with the timelines of anyone else around me? Just because I'm 43 doesn’t mean that its too late for a successful music career, a long-term relationship, to get a black belt in Jiu Jitsu, or that my body is past it’s prime.

Here is one of the best parts of getting older. It's not that I don’t care about stuff, there are many wonderful things to care about and I care a lot. But most things I just don’t have the spoons for. I honor my limited capacity for what I can put my energy into and be present for. So, I choose to put my time into the things that are most important to me.

STFU! Cheer Bear and I are about to get some rest

What I’ve learned: The most productive use of my time and energy is to rest and see what needs my attention next.

"A rich person's luxury" you say. And to that I say "Fuck no!" But it’s not my job to convince you. That’s your journey, not mine. You get to be in the reality that you want to be in.

But back to "fuck no" (here is where I attempt to convince you..) It has hands down, 100% been the most productive use of my time and energy to rest and show up for what’s next. When I was only able to do that between hours at work, then I did. I practiced. A lot. I still am. It’s a life long journey. My ego certainly has a different idea and that’s great. I've spent hours looking at, accepting and challenging the belief that I'm worthless if I'm not productive in some fashion. There was no way my fears wanted me to simply rest after a tiring day at work because I needed to get at some project. I was a terrible person and artist. I wasn’t going to “make it” and was useless if I wasn’t doing something. (This may sound dramatic but that is the truth of how its felt in my body.) So I just let that little fear voice talk to me and then continue about my lazy evening with take out, streaming tv and soft pants.

Important to note, you cant ignore or push down the fear voice. I mean…you can but it has immediate and long-lasting consequences. It gets louder. It dictates your decisions, actions and thoughts. It owns you. But if you can sit with it, you can have a conversation with it. You get to see where it’s coming from. You can then get to thank it for keeping you safe all these years but that you don’t need it anymore and then move on with your life. Rest makes this so much more accessible. No wonder…if you don’t sit still, you don’t have time to chat with your demons.

I quit my job a couple months ago and I committed to taking the entire month of January off with nothing lined up. No job, no plans. Literally nothing but rest and whatever came up next. It was not all streaming and fancy chocolate. Its been meditation, yoga, long walks, rest, crying, reading, music, friends, crying, sleeping, cooking, tea, puzzles and more meditation. I’ve had a lot of time to listen to that fear voice because I haven’t been distracted with busyness. It’s been intense. That was the point.

Doesn’t it sound nice to take a month off (or even 2 weeks but….a month…take a month off!!)? What a huge gift to give yourself, to rest in the dark of winter and take care of yourself. If you think you cant afford it but you're exhausted by your day-to-day life (like I was), perhaps you cant afford not to. You’ll be amazed at what you learn about yourself. You might gain full access to the person you’ve always wanted to be (only better!).

You might think this isn’t available for you but it is!! Its taken me seven years to get to this point. Seven years since I decided I wanted to be able to fully devote myself full-time to my art and to myself. I tried in so many ways to get here. All of them involved hustle. They involved pushing through and making shit happen. Trying to figure out my next move. Years falling short. Hitting one ginormous road block after another. Fucking up my health and learning how to get it back. Years of financial struggle and paying off thousands of dollars in debt.

The one thing that has made the difference for my life between now and everything I tried over the last seven years. The difference between hustle and ease: letting go.

That’s it! So simple but not always that easy (but honestly, sometimes it truly is that easy). I’ve had to unlearn a lot of shit. I’ve had to completely dismantle and redefine what I believe that makes me a valuable person worthy of love (hint: being alive is enough). I’ve had to let go of my future and what I always thought it would be.

Why? Because its all right here, right now.

So rest my dears, in whatever form that looks like for you. And I mean truly rest (yes, that means cutting out some of the screen time). Remember that it’s a process, an art, a practice in grey areas. Define and redefine what rest means for you and allow yourself to do it. Talk to your fear voice (its really only a scared child). Let it be messy. Don’t judge it. Just rest about it. Delight in the discovery of the parts of you that you keep and the parts that you let go of. Rest isn’t avoidance. Rest isn’t lazy. Rest is revolutionary. Rest is peace. Rest is love. Rest is vital. Rest is who you are at your core.

Don’t believe me? Give it a try and let me know how it goes!

Watching the sunset in my bathrobe because why tf not? Thanks pandemic!