Remembering Where You Came From Isn't Necessary

I have these moments where I feel inspired to write about something very specific and in that moment, I have other things I'm doing so I put it off. Then when I sit down a little later to actually write, whatever comes out feels…off.

It didn’t used to be that way. It used to line up whenever I was ready to write about it. Now its as though its old news. Its no longer relevant.

I don’t really know what to do with this. It means I'm not writing nearly as much. It might mean I'm processing things faster than I used to. Sometimes it feels like whats going on in my head doesn’t need to be broadcast for everyone else. Not because it's private but because I don’t want to add to all the word vomit that’s thrown at us daily under the guise of "content", only to be lost into the depths of whatever it was you scrolled through for the last twenty minutes.

I'm not saying that I think that what I have to say has no meaning. I see how my brain tries to make sense of all the things it scrolls through or sees on any given afternoon and when left alone to my thoughts, it wants to use this information as facts and comparison and that’s just not the case. So I end up a little confused sometimes. I have to weed through all the shit that belongs to others to be able to see what belongs to me. Why would I want to add to that pile of confusion that anyone else has to deal with? That’s what stops me. That said, there are often wonderful nuggets of inspiration, small catalysts for change that I also find in everything I see. So perhaps something I say might be one of those for you. And that’s what keeps me sharing.

Today I'm going on 16 years without a drink of alcohol. For a long time this was highly celebrated. I’d meet with other friends who don't drink, we'd share stories and hugs and eat cake. It was a lot of fun. Then at some point, that changed. That specific way to celebrate my sobriety was clearly, no longer part of my path.

How does one even determine that? Being on your "path"? I don’t always have an answer for that. Its usually whatever my guts are telling me despite what my brain thinks. It can be a battle sometimes. I've learned over the years that its much easier to let the brains have their words but give the guts the final say.

I've gone a while without drinking alcohol. This has changed my life. The first several years were profoundly different and then it just became life.  I used to post a picture of myself passed out on the street as a marker, a reminder of how bad it was. My mom hated it. This morning I thought about that and how this reminder seemed like such an important thing. To never forget how bad it got. To not forget where I came from. Otherwise, I might go back to it. And I realized that that thinking is bullshit.

It's only real if you're afraid. Its only real if you believe that you're a threat to yourself instead of an ally. Its only real if you don't trust in this moment.

Here is me now. Not passed out on the sidewalk.

Now I'm not saying that any amount of time without a drink isn't worth celebrating. Honoring our wins is important. It’s also important to process through the fears and traumas of our past otherwise they own us. But why does it have to be this thing to remember where we came from? I don’t think about how I used to be a baby that couldn't feed herself when it's my birthday. My birthday is still just as fun and meaningful without that memory. How exactly does remembering where we came from make today any better?

You could say that it makes it better if the ‘where you came from’ that you're remembering was judged as bad. You could say that its worse if the ‘were you came from’ that you're remembering was judged as good. Its really all in your perspective on it and while at the time, 16 years ago, I judged my life as bad, I don’t think that now. I certainly wouldn’t want to go back there. But I don’t want to go back to any point in my life because now is awesome. Now is all there is. I love myself right now.

Now the thing about trusting the now and loving myself right now is that I make the right decisions for myself now. And if I'm making the right decisions for myself now, how is that ever bad? If it's not bad, then why do I need to remember where I came from to not do it again? If I'm remembering where I came from, I'm not honoring who I am right now and THAT is a true loss.

So…for a long time I truly believed that I'd be fucked if I took another drink. That my life would quickly spiral into absolute ruin. I don’t believe that now. That’s not true for any decision that I make. No single decision has that power over my life if I don’t let it.

There are a lot of other thoughts in here but honestly, I do think that I could have a drink and it wouldn’t ruin my life. I could have a beer with a friend and I wouldn’t be afraid of how I might turn into a monster because I might not be able to stop drinking. I will say that feeling the effects of alcohol in my body is not something I have any interest in. I'm aware that the way my body responds to a lot of alcohol is throwing up and black-out rage. I'm also aware that the way my body responds to a pile of cookies is two days of highly inflamed arthritis and a lot of physical pain. I love cookies far more than I ever loved alcohol.

Old me would have argued that I needed to have these experiences to become who I am today. This is an important part of who I am. These experiences got me here. They made me who I am today. All phrases I’ve claimed as an absolute truth in the past. But that life of being a drunk, being sad, hating myself, not able to spend time with myself and in my mind without being intoxicated or distracted, is a past life. Its more than lifetimes ago. It was a totally different life. Only that past life happened to be in this same human body that was in a slightly different form. It had less wrinkles and grey hair and didn’t need as much fiber. In a past life, I was a drunk. In a past life, I didn’t know how to be with myself. In a past life, my fears and demons ruled my decisions. In a past life, I was Carrie and I was a home owner and a land steward. In a past life I had a familiar named Ladira. In my present life, I have her skull. In my present life, I have fears but they don’t get the final say in how I proceed. In my present life, none of my past lives have anything to do with who I am right now because right now, I am the truest and most authentic me.

Remembering a past life is like watching a movie. Do I decide to believe that the life or the story I just witnessed is/was my own? That I need to cling to it, give meaning to it and identify with it? Or is it a story I can learn from and move on?

We are brand new in each moment. We can choose what to believe about ourselves, others and the world around and what not to. There is no need to cling to where we’ve been or who we think we are, in order to be more of who we are in this moment.

I wasn’t feeling like going out but I was. I was anxious. I had stories in my head about who I thought I was. It was the Day of the Dead, I was in New Orleans. I was going out regardless of what my head was telling me. That night was everything I needed and more.