Why Talking About Domestic Violence is Self Care
I don’t go into abuse details here. Talking in detail about abuse would thwart the efforts of this post and I want everyone to be able to read this.
Years ago I was in an abusive relationship.
The severity of repercussions you can experience from your abuser because you sought help from the situation, is enough to keep you from reaching out at all. The short, unpredictable times that you have to make a call or stop by are few and far between. You’re drowning in a sea of fear, devotion, hopelessness, pain and depression.
It often reduced me to a sobbing mess on my linoleum kitchen floor with no idea how I got there or if there was anything other than this terrifying existence.
I’m lucky to have gotten out when I did and in the way I did (I got sober and he ended up moving 2000 miles away). But it wasn’t without more abuse as I slowly worked to pull my head above water. The local Domestic Violence Services (DVSAS) was there for me. As was the suicide hotline.
My abuser was also an alcoholic. For years I thought the two were one in the same but they aren’t. I understood so much more about what abuse actually looks like after reading the book, Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. This book is a clarifying page turner whether you think you’ve been in an abusive relationship or not. There is a one hundred percent chance that you know someone who has been in one or is currently in one. (If it’s not totally obvious that I’m suggesting that you read this book, here it is: READ THIS BOOK!!)
I say “what abuse actually looks like” because when you’re in the thick of it, you’re confused af about it. A part of you knows it’s abuse but also...you’re not really sure. The abuser does a spectacular job at confusing you in a thousand ways until you're so worn down that you believe the abuse is your own fault! (totally fucked right?!).
I considered volunteering at DVSAS but..well..How would you respond if you were regularly hearing about other people’s abusive situations, in depth? (even if you weren’t an empath that had been in an abusive relationship) No bueno, right?! You might end up hiding in your bed for a day or two, crying and watching as much Great British Bake Off as possible so that you’re not in a perpetual mental state somewhere between anger and despair.
What can I do if I can't give my time? Give money! I donate ten percent of all my merchandise sales (clothing, cds, song books, posters, etc) to my local DVSAS. That means more advocacy, counseling, public education, medical exam support, safe housing and emergency safety planning for abuse victims and the community.
But that's not all I can do! An even more powerful way to have an impact on domestic violence (same thing with any injustice) is to talk about it!
One of the most important things I’ve learned on my journey is that I am not alone. (This plays a strong part in how and why I write the music that I do.) We are not alone. You..are not alone. But we must speak! We must speak for those who cannot, until they can. Because there are many. When I talk openly in my life and on stage about domestic violence, I’m doing it for those who can’t. I’m a witness to that place in their guts that screams for help but can’t...yet.
Not only does it help others when I discuss domestic violence, but I’m also caring for the space inside me that has been deeply injured from my abusive situations. When you’re actively participating in this type of self-love, it moves beyond you as an individual and into your friendships, families, communities and the world around you. It’s an active cycle of love, health and awareness and I am honored to be a part of it.