It was possibly even more terrifying than when I bought a house (at least in a totally different way).

A year ago when I was really settled into the place I'm living now and starting to make pretty decent money (for working in retail in Bellingham), I started paying off my debt at a rapid pace and it felt amazing! I figured out how long it would take me to pay everything off and I was able to save money. With all that knowledge and progress, I had some sort-of big, financial, “adult” plans for myself.

I had learned years ago, not to make big decisions before I go on a long trip because more often than not, I come back with different priorities and the choices I made for myself before the trip are no longer in line with who I am upon my return. When I was traveling the UK this spring, every day I went about my day based purely on my intuition and my energy levels. I didn't have to force or convince myself that I needed to do anything. Being in this mindset and on that level, for that length of time allowed room for some huge shifts within me that has altered how I make just about any decision now.

Two of the big decisions/changes I had planned to make after I returned were to buy a car and to get my own place.

I have done neither of these.

While I was gone, one of my room mates (the one with the really big room) announced that he would be leaving in August and it immediately felt right for me to take that large room and stay in the house instead of leave. My rent increased to only to about one third what I would pay in my own place AND I get as much space as a studio apartment AND I get to continue to live with these four other people that I totally adore.

So, I did not get my own place.

I had been kinda feeling like I didn’t want to do buy a car at all before the trip but upon my return it was quite evident that getting a car was not the right choice for me right now. But what was the right choice was to invest in?

A piano!

A Nord Piano 4 to be exact.

Yes, I bought it brand new.

No, I didn't do extensive, in-person research but I did an adequate amount (for my liking) of research online.

Yes, I used credit to make the purchase.

No, I'm not quite finished paying off my lingering debt (but it's close!).

So, the thing about continuing my debt is pretty terrifying to me to be honest. It keeps me in a cage. I have a monthly payment that sort of binds me to the life I'm currently living which isn’t the life I ultimately aspire to be living. It keeps me a bit of a slave and I hate that. Like..a lot. Especially after years of working to pay off some big debt and not using a card for anything (and I do mean anything..well..except the Nord-4 of course) for the last several years as well.

So..all that is kind of scary but it's not the BIG SCARY.

The BIG scary around this purchase is that I am investing in..myself. I…am investing..in..MYSELF. This is the most money I have spent on myself, in this way, in my entire life.

The Nord 4 ticked all the boxes.

-88 weighted keys

-Legit real piano touch, sound and feel

-Portable

That’s mostly it. The bells and whistles that come with Nord 4 are also exciting to me but the main three are there.

What I know is that every time I've had a decent piano in my life, I am fully in love. I will easily noodle around at it while on my way to bed at midnight, until 2am. I will write. I will sing. I will practice. I will do scales. I will learn new songs and bring back the old ones. This is something I do naturally and easily get into flow state without even trying. The piano has been my main love my entire life. Accordion is also beautiful and far more portible and has taken me places for the last decade that I would not have gone had I not had it. But the piano..the piano is the queen-mother, reigning-bish of all instruments for me.

And now..I HAVE ONE. AND IT IS MINE! AND I CAN TAKE IT ANYWHERE I FUCKING WANT TO (and I don’t need four of my buffest friends to help me move it). Simply coming to terms with the reality of those words fills my heart, my soul with so much joy and relief. A strange sense of soul-relief that I currently cannot define. Sort of like coming home.

I love having a piano but….("everyone I know has a big but" ) …as I said, I paid a small fortune for it. As much as some would pay for a decent and reliable used car. To be honest though, its not really about the amount of money I paid. I mean, it is a little. I have spent a fair amount of money investing in myself over the years but this is by far the most I've spent at once, on one thing. The reason that is scary is because that means that I have to fucking do this. I’m in this. There is no turning back.

This thing that has been in my heart and soul my entire life, I have to do. And the piano is a big part of it. I guess I don’t actually have to do it. I can pay this piano off (or not..) and not do anything with it but that would be a waste of a lot of things. This is a thing that I bought to hold my self accountable in some ways. To do the thing because the piano is in my room, sitting in front of me much of the time and is bright, Ruby red (I've loosely decided to name her Ruby), practically yelling at me to play her. This is like why you don’t buy cookies because you know you’ll eat them too fast, but you buy them anyway and tell yourself that they'll last all week in the cupboard or even the freezer (Samoas, I’m looking at you). This is the opposite because I want to have those keys tempt me on the regular. And..they absolutely will.

But it's not just me playing around that I wanted. Its me committing to writing and performing more songs on the piano because I have them inside me, waiting to be birthed and sent into the world. It's writing them on a piano, knowing that I can take that piano with me to practically any show I play and play them. No putting off writing or not playing because the venue doesn’t have a piano. No settling for the song on accordion or ukulele. It gets to be on the piano and I get to give it that.

It’s really quite thrilling.

The greatest things we do in life, that change us profoundly, also effect those around us in unparalleled ways. Those are often the most terrifying acts we ever do. They are the decisions that make our hearts race while setting our souls free. Once we leap, we realize that our ability to fly was always there, we just had to fucking jump and let ourselves actually fly to see it. This is one of those leaps for me and it’s worth more than every penny it cost or the temporary financial confinement.